So a manager I work with told me a story today about 'tossing papers.' He was in a heated discussion with another manager, several years ago, and that manager, animated in his anger, tossed the papers from his hands. At this point, he turned to me and said, "There's only one answer - what do you do here?" I fumbled, because this is a manger a few levels above me - what the hell IS the right answer here (I might mention that my female boss did NOT answer the question and put me on the line to do it - which is another problem entirely that women do not always support their women cohorts). I stated, "Well, I'd finish the conversation and pick up the papers when it's done." EEEHHHHHH ... wrong answer, thanks for playing. The answer is supposed to be - pick the papers up FIRST, thus making you less likely to punch the other guy's lights out. Having some moxy, I fired back at him and asked him if he'd ever done this to a female. He said he had not. Challenging him further (again, a few levels above me -gutsy, but he'd had conversations with me about speaking up more, here's the perfect time, careful what you wish for!), I explained my studies on gender, composure, and leadership and said that as a female, I'd never been so angry at someone at work that I wanted to "punch his/her lights out" and that women are much more likely to talk it through and not become so egotistically heated in the first place.
As a female, I've been taught composure, especially at work, lest you look meek or flighty. This is ridiculous, I've concluded, after reading several accounts of women in leadership roles. We are taught composure, but also connections. In this situation, I'd feel better if I finished the conversation, valued the person, then picked up the papers, which most likely are of no consequence because I can reprint them at the touch of a "Control - P." I walked away feeling that my point had not been made, and that as a young female I'd been dismissed because I could respect a connection and another point of view. Likely he walked away feeling that HIS point had not been taken that people lose control and need to gain composure.
Perhaps I'm wrong ... but as I've mentioned, I work in HR. I have, on average, a chance to lose my composure every given 10 minutes or so ... give or take on a good or bad day. I have spoiled union brats who make tens of thousands more than other people in this country, with barely a high school education, telling me that I'm screwing them over (yes, I personally have that power), I have to tell people they don't have a job because they failed a health or drug screen, I discipline angry people who can't follow rules, and I occasionally have to terminate people who repeatedly or extremely do not follow the rules. I get angry, of course I get angry. But I keep it inside until 4:00, when I can get in the car and vent to my husband, come home, have a few glasses of wine and cook the stress away. That's the way I, and many other women, roll. We have no other choice.
At this point, I need to tell you that I'm not an angry anti-male feminist. I have read so many accounts of women before me who shed blood, tears, sweat, their lives for justice - for me - for women everywhere, and I can't let that be for naught. Women HAVE to be equal in the workplace. And someone has to stand up and make it right. I'm working on being that someone ....
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