So, if you have been reading this blog, and let's face it, who has - but that's okay, I'm writing it for myself - you - and I realize that I have no firm idea on what I want to study for my dissertation. Each day brings a new idea, one that is quickly dismissed, and it's easy for me to start losing faith. What if I just gave up? What if I walked away from the program, just two and a half semesters invested? Wouldn't I feel utter relief at not having to come up with a topic, write a paper, change my mind, do fieldwork? These thoughts haunt me, daily, sometimes hourly, and it's enough to make me feel like I should undergo electro-shock therapy. But you know what? No one follows the same route in a PhD journey. Some people are fortunate that they have a passion and a sense of direction. Some people - like me - need to explore several different possibilities before finding the right one. I am starting to beat myself up about changing my mind - but who says I can't change my mind this many times to find the right answer? Who says I am not learning even though I keep running into the blocked maze wall? And that quiet little voice that tells me to give up and live again is squashed by the voice that says I cannot give up, because I would never forgive myself for passing up this opportunity. It's time to dig deep, suck it up, and make my own way.
Once again, after thinking most of the day about my quandry, I went to the 'net when I got home to start some new research. Yes, I would love to study cooking and the process of teaching adults to cook, but at my university, this just isn't going to be feasible, unless I want to pursue the angle of community service. And I don't. I have to be honest with myself, even if it means a less-than-attractive thought pops out. I want to teach people who WANT to learn how to cook. I think dragging people into it under the name of health will suck all the fun out of my true passion. Gender studies boil my blood. I work with people who are not feminists - including some women - and it's draining. I'm only going to solve that puzzle within myself, by surrounding myself with people who are enlightened.
So what do I want to do for an actual job - until I can go to culinary school and figure out a way to make six-figures while cooking? Online teaching is appealing. I am a pretty lazy person sometimes. I like sitting on the couch, on my laptop, e-mailing my peeps, posting random comments on Facebook, and generally avoiding my PhD work. But, I think to justify that, I wouldn't have a master's degree without online education, I wouldn't get my PhD without using distance learning, and that would be sad. Living in a rural area shouldn't mean that you can't get a quality university education. And even living in an urban area, where universities are plentiful, the hassle of going to a classroom, I think, appeals to fewer and fewer people. We are all busy. Taking time to drive somewhere, sit in a classroom and listen to the pointless questions of some classmates is enough to make you walk away from the dream. I hate traditional classrooms. I get so little out of sitting around with a bunch of people talkin' about my feelings and pontificating on theories and best practices. What I love about online education is the discussion boards - the opportunity to share what I know, while being able to ask questions, be questioned, and learning at my own leisure. I hate the phone. I love technology. So, now I have to work on narrowing the focus - online teaching? online learning? new approaches in online education? Who knows, I'm exhausted physically and emotionally and want to collapse into bed, watch the Cooking Channel, and fall into a blissful sleep that ends only when I'm damn good and ready for it to end. It's only 9:00 - why do I feel the need to go to sleep at 9:00 on a Saturday night?
I'll tell you why - because working a job you no longer love and struggling to make sense of a PhD program that you promised yourself and your cohort you'd continue, even when you want to give up, takes a toll. I hope tomorrow brings an attitude of commitment to my school work, joy in my kitchen, and a peaceful day all around. Here's hoping ...
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