I am ambitious, you see. I always have been. I'm competitive when it comes to my career, and anything that proves that I have superior intellect. This personality flaw, unfortunately, causes me a lot of stress and pisses off a fair amount of people around me. I have been working hard in HR for 10 years to get where I am today, and I have always assumed I would just keep taking promotions, picking up my life and my husband to move to even more undesirable locations in the name of my ladder-climbing desires.
I read a lot. (That was a terrible transition, but stay with me.) I read only non-fiction because my ambitious brain wants to only learn, learn, learn. Lately I've been reading feminist books, but I found a great food biography that I picked up at a Buffalo Barnes & Noble, Kathleen Flinn's The Sharper Your Knife, The Less You Cry. I finished it this morning, a deliciously lazy Sunday day spent between my couch and my kitchen. Kat was fired from a job she hated. The man who had been just a friend had recently turned into a romantic muse, and he encouraged her to follow her dream - to attend Le Cordon Bleu in Paris. He even took a hiatus from his job in Seattle to be with her in Paris. The story made me laugh - and cry - and the utter poignancy of her adventure made me realize what's important in my life.
You see, my husband is a Wyoming boy, he loves all things Wyoming, and especially loves our alma mater, the University of Wyoming. We follow every home game for football (a 6-hour round trip), and as many road games as we can; for basketball, we go to as many games as I can muster up the energy for. He's crazy, and my friends and co-workers never pass up a chance to tell me so. But you know something? He's loyal - to a fault. That quality is among his best. He supports me in my career, but lately has been reluctant to move for my next role. I've been so anxious to prove my worth at work and move to the East Coast to live a rich and fabulous lifestyle, that I neglected to take into account his feelings, his career, which is more successful than mine right now, and his traditions. Spending a few days alone in a hotel can either make or break a relationship. This time, something transformed me into wanting to make the relationship, even if it cost me the next step in my career. Reading what I did this week, I realize that no one wishes they could go back and do more with their career, what they do wish is to have more time with the ones they love and to pursue the things they love. I have time now to spend with my friends and family, and usually I have enough time to do what I love when I'm not at work. If I moved up to a larger role, that time would be sucked into a vortex of increasingly more phone calls, e-mails, and decisions.
My attitude has been negative lately. I hate my job, I hate where I live, and I hate not being in a land of culture. This week, though, has changed that. My job is just a job. I work with a few difficult people, but for the most part, I have people at work who respect me and value my worth. I make more money than I would in any other company in a role even bigger than mine now. I have job security and benefits, which is something that most of America wishes they can have in a recession. I have friends here, and while we don't go to the opera or a 4-star restaurant, it doesn't matter. Fishing on the lake in our small, old fishing boat and drinking the afternoon away with our friends on the shore is what life is about. It's not North Carolina, but it's home. And I'm going to stop wishing my life away; I'm going to stop wishing I had a powerful career and a fabulous condo in Manhattan; I'm going to stop wishing that I lived somewhere with great restaurants. Because what I have here is so much better than that. I have friends who will drop whatever they are doing to help me, who will support me in my food and wine passion, and gratefully come to my parties and eat whatever I cook for them. And I have a husband who, when it comes down to my happiness, would follow me to somewhere he didn't want to go in the name of my career. I have a beautiful house and a beautiful yard and gazebo where I can relax. I don't fight traffic. I don't worry about crime. Why would I want to give this up? I could make more money, sure, but I'd spend more on housing, and luxury items and be caught in an endless cycle of wanting, needing, craving more.
I don't love working in HR. It's an emotionally-demanding job, and one where you get little respect. My passions are reading, writing, cooking, and wine. My job is a safety net; I have the luxury of exploring my passions while continuing to work at my job. And I will find the passion I'm searching for, without leaving the paradise, that I've realized, of living in Wyoming.
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