Have to

The "have to's" in my life are breaking me down.  I want to cry and throw things and then curl up in bed with a good 80's movie that makes me cry for good reasons.  I don't know how I'm going to find the time, the strength, the motivation, the will to keep moving.  My job, while fulfilling because of several people I work with, depresses me because of one aspect.  That I can't discuss.  That's holding me back.  That needs to die a slow painful demise of karmic destiny.  My PhD program is un-fulfilling because of professors who think distance students are "less than" - even though we are trying to make the world a better place by doing, instead of sitting around talking about doing.  It's a dichotomy that is tearing me apart.  And I am the only person in my immediate world that is working on a PhD, even though two friends via distance have become close, it's not the same. 

I struggle to get dinner on the table while listening to class, trying to complete a paper, picking up clutter before the housekeeper arrives (the one thing saving me from completely going off the deep end), folding laundry, and otherwise being superwoman in a world where the people around me don't comprehend my stress level, despite my tired face, my puffy cheeks, the sunken eyes, the inability to enjoy what I normally do.  I don't know where to turn.  I don't know how to stop the tears that want to flow because of sheer frustration and isolation. 

I want to cook.  I don't have the time.  I thankfully have leftovers that I store for him, while I subsist on pumpkin seeds and wine.  I know this is but a short time in my life to reach a goal I have set for myself, a goal that 95% of the population will never set, let alone reach, but right now, it feels pretty lonely in that 5%, of which I know only 2 who are sharing it with me, and from a distance. 

I want to share this, because this is to chronicle my PhD journey.  It's not all excitement and love and roses and fabulousness.  It's freakin' hard work and tears and frustration and pain.  But it's my goal and if I don't reach it, I will never forgive myself.