Work started out so well this week, and unfortunately, has gone downhill since. I was put in tough positions this week, between people decades older (and supposedly wiser) than I. And I failed several people, disappointed them. I have always feared authority, and when I disappoint someone in authority, the pain is almost more than I can stomach. My husband helps me put it into perspective, but it's still difficult to face people, even after I've had to bite my tongue, apologize, and live with the time that has to pass before someone else usurps my mistakes and creates a diversion from me.
One of my friends posted a quote on Facebook last night that I have to live by, "Sometimes it takes just one person who believes in you." I have that. In fact, I have many more than one person who believes in me. Right now, a few people who I've worked so hard for, don't believe in me. And I have to recognize that it's okay. That this, too, will pass. How do you do that? Drink martinis at night and make a comforting dinner. Focus on the people who will stand behind me. Remember that I'm more than my failures. Easier said than done.
I'm, quite candidly, disappointed in these same people for not extending to me forgiveness and understanding. We are trying to change our culture at work into one where people are reinforced to do the right thing. Unfortunately, there are several key people who don't get the science, who don't practice it, and I know I'm not the only one who is feeling downtrodden. Three days to go until PhD classes start. I'm ready for the distraction. (I think.)
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