Promoting Women

Since I've changed my dissertation topic more than once (okay, more than half a dozen times), I go back to my original gender studies.  It hit me today in a meeting with six other men, three of them so gray-haired they are retiring in the next few months, that I'm not so sure it's men who are holding me back.  My half-hour commute home, punctuated only by me flipping through the Sirius channels, since my dear husband and commuter-partner stayed home sick, was filled with the shocking realization that women, not men, have held my career back.  How can this be?  I've been fortunate to have men, who believe in women, give me advantages in my career.  The women in power that I've worked for - they are the ones who've held me back.  This hit me like a hangover of a dozen Jaeger shots.  I'm getting it all wrong.  I shouldn't be educating MEN on feminism, I should be educating jealous, insecure females.  Really?  Again - how can this be?  We women have to stick together.  But unfortunately, I have battled the Queen Bee syndrome, battle it today.  The men I work with respect me and trust me and value me.  The women - threatened and jealous. 

This hit me while I'm helping my fellow female comrades build careers, only to run into women - not men - telling them no.  Ladies, come on!  We can do better than this! 

Possibility

My life is full of possibility.  I'm an eternal optimist, my glass is usually overflowing (mostly with red wine).  This morning started out as, what I can only describe as - craptacular, and nothing my fault, but everything I got to clean up.  Exasperated, frustrated, downright pissed off, I stopped myself several times to smile, to laugh, to put things in perspective, to enjoy the people around me who picked me up and made me feel good.  I have a beautiful home that hasn't been devastated by natural disaster, I enjoy freedom because people much braver than I sacrifice, I have a full figure because I can afford good food.  My life does not suck by any stretch of the imagination. 

Dinner with wonderful people, my husband included, now at home enjoying HGTV, waiting for the Top Chef finale' - both of which my wonderful husband watches with me.  Oh, and I had three new pairs of shoes waiting for me from shoes.com AND a UPS slip announcing the arrival of wine.  Yeah, my life sooo does not suck.  I have nothing but possibility of even better times ahead.  I crave a change, and whatever winds bring that to me, I'm going to follow them with wild abandon.  There is nothing quite so stimulating as possibility. 

Women

I had dinner and drinks with four amazing women tonight.  Women, when we are on each others' side, can rule the world.  We talked about everything, we laughed, we giggled, we had a great time.  I didn't want to leave, even though we all have an early morning.  Why can't all our relationships be like this - banding together to make a difference, instead of competing maliciously with one another.  Tomorrow I once again deal with women who compete against me.  Women have to help each other, not help the men's movement work against us.  While feminism has advanced, we're still not where we should be.

Being with my friends tonight made me happy.  I've become an introvert, almost agrophobic, because of people who try to keep me down - but that is so ridiculous.  I basked in the glow of friendship tonight - as corny as that sounds - and I felt at home, I felt like myself.  Tomorrow, my best friend in the whole wide world is coming for the weekend.  I can hardly wait.  The bonds that women have when they have each others' best interests at heart - are so strong.  When we realize we don't have to compete for the limelight, for men, for fame, for money, for whatever, we understand that helping each other means helping ourselves.  Go Girls!!!

California here I come

After a crappy day at work, one that I was able to leave behind and not bitch about to my husband, I still question the appropriateness of me being in HR.  I nearly vomited at what I had to do today.  You shouldn't feel that way if you're not saving lives and working with bodily fluids.  I don't belong here.  I made a poor decision to give up my PhD yet, and thankfully was saved from the brink by keeping one class.  But HR is not for me.  I don't know what is, that's the problem.  I wish I would have studied something "real" - like engineering, or nursing, or hell, I don't even know what a "real" profession is.  Mine feels so made up, made up by a litigious society that is eager to earn money the easy way.  I don't feel like I'm making a difference.  And I don't like it.  

Tonight, as most nights, I was so happy to come home, take off my shoes (4-inch black spike heels, now that the ice is temporarily gone - safety first, as we believe at work), and lose myself in my kitchen.  And lose myself I did.  The doorbell rang as I was tasting my dressing (bread dressing to go with roasted herb pork loin, mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn - a carboholic dinner that will surely make the scale rise by 2 pounds in the morning) and watching Sex & the City (not nearly as good on cable, but still better than vulgar cartoons).  It was a friend bringing us wine, I didn't hear the doorbell, I didn't hear my husband sidle up to me, until he was two inches from me.  I am so eager to lose the sliminess of my day in HR that I blocked out everything but my cooking and wine.  Tomorrow we leave for California, well, two days away, but a couple stops on the way.  I'm ready to get out again.  I itch for travel, new experiences, new restaurants (even though tomorrow we will likely stay at our favorite Little America, which really is like Four Seasons at half the price) and eat at Squatters, which is delicious, but I do crave new restaurants.  But alas, I reserved Bouchon in Vegas for Wednesday night.  I've been dying to dine at a Thomas Keller restaurant, and had to give up reservations in Napa (also for Bouchon) because of timing and travel.  I don't know what to do with myself.  School isn't the answer, work isn't the answer - why are all my questions in life solved with cooking and wine?  

I'm Still Standing ...

I'm not completely withdrawn from my PhD work.  At my advisor's offer, I stayed in her class.  Dropped the two research classes and stayed with the one that would most benefit my in my career.  I've been so busy bitching about my job that I didn't realize how truly good I have it.  My days are busy, fighting fires, preventing fires, having hilariously funny but somehow productive meetings with the awesome people I work with, and at the end of the day, I look up, it's 4:00, time to go home (yes, I get up at an ungawdly hour, but I'm home by 4:30, how great is that?).  So I'm staying in one innocuous class, with an amazingly supportive advisor, who encouraged me to take what I wanted, that I had 10 years from the start of my PhD to finish. 

I am usually so goal-driven - do this in 2 years, be here in 5 years, but this has taught me some humility, patience, and gratitude.  Taking one class at a time is a great compromise.  I'm not dropping out, the door is still wide open.  I make a great salary, I do love what I do - for the most part - and I can continue my PhD at a snail's pace, which is so unlike my goal-driven persona.  But it feels great, I have to tell you.  I can still pursue cooking and wine with all my heart, and keep one toe dipped into academia, while keeping my kick ass day job, and loving my life.  My life effing rocks, I don't say that to brag or be facetious, but rather in total gratitude that like Dorothy, everything I'm searching for is in my own backyard (well, except maybe an organic garden and a water feature). 

So Long, Farewell, Aufedersein, Goodbye

I'm giving up the PhD ... and therefore, this blog.  I am relieved.  I should feel like a failure, but I don't.  I played a few hands, and I can't bluff anymore, I got nuthin' ... This isn't my dream.  It only ties me to Wyoming longer than I want to be tied here.  I may return again later, but for now, I'm relieved.  I can drink wine, make dinner, read for PLEASURE again, this is okay.  A PhD won't earn me any more money.  I could make a call tomorrow, move to No Cal and nearly double my salary.  I'm giving myself a year, maybe 18 months, to get my affairs in order, and then I'm going to start the search.  There's a 4-year itch for me with jobs, I stay 4-5 years, then have to move on.  I don't want to move to Philly.  I love the excitement of the east coast, for maybe 72 hours at a time.  I love the laid back, wine-country of the west coast for life. 

This is good.  I put the 14 textbooks to the side of the living room, letting them die a quick, easy death. I cooked my heart out today, I drank far too much, and vowed that along with this decision, I would become the healthy, beautiful soul I know I am.

There are a few people I know will be slightly disappointed, but they will love me anyway.  Nothing lost. 

Is a PhD For Me?

So yesterday I had a down day for work, with only one person showing up for testing and interviewing.  I spent the afternoon by myself, the internet down, avoiding homework, and watching the Cooking Channel, waxing poetic about lovely voluptuous chefs, like Ina Garten and Paula Dean, and drinking too much wine, which contributed to a pre-happy hour happy. 

I listened to about half an hour of this week's quantitative research methods lecture (out of three hours, but having no internet makes it difficult to view things on the internet).  The instructor used a scare tactic by saying that a PhD is not for everyone, and no one would ever fault one for quitting a PhD program.  He went on to say that it's tough, no one is smart enough, just give up and live your life, basically.  But it got me to thinking, while I was listening to him drone on and on about the grim future that PhD life held for me, I looked at jobs and houses in Napa Valley, California.  I found jobs for both my husband and me, and several beautiful, but not jaw-droppingly expensive houses.  Can I really make it here for three more years?  The two and a half years to finish the PhD, and then a year to repay my obligation to my company.  Yikes.  Three more winters ... three more years of snow, wind, no fresh produce, no good restaurants.  If I quit the program now, I won't have to pay tuition for this semester, and I have only 11 months of obligation to my company to repay the Master's and the first few semesters of PhD work.  Am I strong enough to just say ENOUGH and walk away from this education??  Am I strong enough to help train other people around me to get promotions in Philly, while I stay under the same cast of characters who damage my psyche on a weekly basis?  Am I strong enough to bear the depression that living in a rural, isolated town brings to us?  I just don't know. 

It's a good dilemma to have, because it means that I have options.  Smart people do have options.  But they have to be smart about which ones they choose!